Oregon, USA, Earth

What Oregon Is Really Like

by Dean (dino@euclid.colorado.edu)
written 25 Jan 1995

This article is classified "Fictional"

Ahh, you want to know what life in Oregon is like.  A lot of information on
this you can find in the alt.culture.oregon FAQ, but some time ago I 
prepared a file specifically addressing things NOT in the a.c.o. FAQ.  So,
buckle your seat belt, 'cuz here it comes...

What is Oregon like?  Dark, smoky; visibility often down to 15 feet.  This
occurred after we decided to "open up for business" and all environmental
regulations were rescinded.  The Willamette and Columbia often catch fire;
boats won't navigate the Columbia without protective hulls, otherwise the
acid eats them.  Spotted owl is sometimes served on tables of old-growth in
expensive restaurants.  It is common to go about in scuba gear; there is
now a cottage industry of refilling stations on the streets of Portland 
with fresh air shipped in from Utah.  Of course, all cancer rates are 
several hundred times the national norms.  We won't here comment on life 

The constant rattle of machine-gun fire can be quite annoying when one is
trying to concentrate.  On many street corners in Portland, there are 
large elevated gazeboes from which you can watch private militias shoot it
out over gasoline, food and drugs.  For a small fee, they give panoramic
360-degree views of the fighting through bullet-proof glass.  When there is
a rare lull they toss something salable on the street and it starts again;
the action never stops.  The experience can be quite romantic; it is a 
popular first date and many a marriage proposal has taken place in these. 

Since the Bill of Rights has been declared null and void in the State of
Oregon, drug use has gone up.  It is always enjoyable to watch the busts
through the above-mentioned gazeboes; by virtue of their new powers, the
police are more brutal on gang members than the gangs are on each other. A 
new drug called "the final solution" has recently hit Oregon and it is 
usually fatal by the 10th trip or so.  Those using it will set fire to 
anything flammable and attempt to kill anything that moves; it is very 
popular with the "Dead at 21" crowd in Portland.  Occasionally someone on 
it will sneak an Uzi into a Trail Blazers home game, thus giving new meaning
to the popular term "Rip City."  We should also comment in this paragraph
that all tax funds have been re-allocated to police and prison construction
and maintenance; there are no other social services.  Often there are 
public gladitorial combats at Memorial Coliseum in Portland to relieve the
constant overcrowding in the penal system.  Hungry lions are provided by 
the Washington Park Zoo, a "thumbs down" and... umm, you guess it.

Another danger to the unwary is the trapdoors on the sidewalks which go
down to the sausage factories.  Most of the natives know how to avoid them 
and only consider them a nuisance, but out-of-staters should beware.  We
should also here comment that the survivalists have taken over Forest Park 
in Portland and it is littered with anti-personnel devices.  Anybody who
accidently wanders in the area and is caught, umm... did you ever read 
"The Most Dangerous Game?"  The stray bodies found cluttering up the streets
in the morning are sold to the knackers.

The major arteries into Portland have large signs just before town reading
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."  Cars with California plates... well
let's not say what happens to them.  Out-of-staters who overstay their 
visas or are caught trying to take jobs are put to work in concentration 
camps in the Siskiyous; out-of-state developers are publicly executed 
without trial and their heads left on stakes by the border as a warning to

A sad result of the education funding problems in Oregon is the fact that
daily newspapers in Oregon seldom use words having more than five letters:
the folks in Oregon can't understand things like "The president's economic
advisors have determined that we should pressure the Federal Reserve into
restricting the money supply to combat inflation."  The Big O (the Portland
Oregonian) would say "The Big Chief's friends want less cash out there so
that it is worth more."

Of course you know about the Oregon Citizens Alliance (OCA), the anti-gay 
family-values people.  Since their recent armed takeover of the state
capitol in Salem and the institution of military rule, anyone as much as 
suspected of homosexual activity is forced to undergo a sort of a "Ludovico
Technique" in which the unfortunate is forced to stay awake for days on end
watching dramatizations of bible stories until s/he recants.  Touching
yourself, listening to the Grateful Dead and a host of other things will
get you the same thing, and capital punishment for the above-mentioned
offenses is common in rural areas.  Another result is that any female of
child bearing age is required to take periodic pregnancy tests; if one is
positive and the next negative with no delivery between, she is publicly
stoned.  Needless to say, watching the demolition crews blow up family
planning clinics was a popular sport for some time in Oregon.  Public 
book-burnings are another way that the powers that be keep the populace
distracted; the owner of the offending literature is usually torched along
it.  Except in the inner city where they are trying to get the minority
population to kill itself off, the water supply is spiked with scopolamine
to keep the people pacific, believing and obeying what their leaders say.
Of course I should add that the Jewish population has long since fled;
Catholics are tolerated but must be registered with the authorities.

All the same, Oregon is a pretty nice place. You should try moving to
Boulder, Colorado if you want excitement.  Don't come with California

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