What Oregon Is Really Like

dino@euclid.colorado.edu)

written 25 Jan 1995

This article is classified "Fictional"

Ahh, you want to know what life in Oregon is like. A lot of information on this you can find in the alt.culture.oregon FAQ, but some time ago I prepared a file specifically addressing things NOT in the a.c.o. FAQ. So, buckle your seat belt, 'cuz here it comes... What is Oregon like? Dark, smoky; visibility often down to 15 feet. This occurred after we decided to "open up for business" and all environmental regulations were rescinded. The Willamette and Columbia often catch fire; boats won't navigate the Columbia without protective hulls, otherwise the acid eats them. Spotted owl is sometimes served on tables of old-growth in expensive restaurants. It is common to go about in scuba gear; there is now a cottage industry of refilling stations on the streets of Portland with fresh air shipped in from Utah. Of course, all cancer rates are several hundred times the national norms. We won't here comment on life expectancies. The constant rattle of machine-gun fire can be quite annoying when one is trying to concentrate. On many street corners in Portland, there are large elevated gazeboes from which you can watch private militias shoot it out over gasoline, food and drugs. For a small fee, they give panoramic 360-degree views of the fighting through bullet-proof glass. When there is a rare lull they toss something salable on the street and it starts again; the action never stops. The experience can be quite romantic; it is a popular first date and many a marriage proposal has taken place in these. Since the Bill of Rights has been declared null and void in the State of Oregon, drug use has gone up. It is always enjoyable to watch the busts through the above-mentioned gazeboes; by virtue of their new powers, the police are more brutal on gang members than the gangs are on each other. A new drug called "the final solution" has recently hit Oregon and it is usually fatal by the 10th trip or so. Those using it will set fire to anything flammable and attempt to kill anything that moves; it is very popular with the "Dead at 21" crowd in Portland. Occasionally someone on it will sneak an Uzi into a Trail Blazers home game, thus giving new meaning to the popular term "Rip City." We should also comment in this paragraph that all tax funds have been re-allocated to police and prison construction and maintenance; there are no other social services. Often there are public gladitorial combats at Memorial Coliseum in Portland to relieve the constant overcrowding in the penal system. Hungry lions are provided by the Washington Park Zoo, a "thumbs down" and... umm, you guess it. Another danger to the unwary is the trapdoors on the sidewalks which go down to the sausage factories. Most of the natives know how to avoid them and only consider them a nuisance, but out-of-staters should beware. We should also here comment that the survivalists have taken over Forest Park in Portland and it is littered with anti-personnel devices. Anybody who accidently wanders in the area and is caught, umm... did you ever read "The Most Dangerous Game?" The stray bodies found cluttering up the streets in the morning are sold to the knackers. The major arteries into Portland have large signs just before town reading "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Cars with California plates... well let's not say what happens to them. Out-of-staters who overstay their visas or are caught trying to take jobs are put to work in concentration camps in the Siskiyous; out-of-state developers are publicly executed without trial and their heads left on stakes by the border as a warning to others. A sad result of the education funding problems in Oregon is the fact that daily newspapers in Oregon seldom use words having more than five letters: the folks in Oregon can't understand things like "The president's economic advisors have determined that we should pressure the Federal Reserve into restricting the money supply to combat inflation." The Big O (the Portland Oregonian) would say "The Big Chief's friends want less cash out there so that it is worth more." Of course you know about the Oregon Citizens Alliance (OCA), the anti-gay family-values people. Since their recent armed takeover of the state capitol in Salem and the institution of military rule, anyone as much as suspected of homosexual activity is forced to undergo a sort of a "Ludovico Technique" in which the unfortunate is forced to stay awake for days on end watching dramatizations of bible stories until s/he recants. Touching yourself, listening to the Grateful Dead and a host of other things will get you the same thing, and capital punishment for the above-mentioned offenses is common in rural areas. Another result is that any female of child bearing age is required to take periodic pregnancy tests; if one is positive and the next negative with no delivery between, she is publicly stoned. Needless to say, watching the demolition crews blow up family planning clinics was a popular sport for some time in Oregon. Public book-burnings are another way that the powers that be keep the populace distracted; the owner of the offending literature is usually torched along it. Except in the inner city where they are trying to get the minority population to kill itself off, the water supply is spiked with scopolamine to keep the people pacific, believing and obeying what their leaders say. Of course I should add that the Jewish population has long since fled; Catholics are tolerated but must be registered with the authorities. All the same, Oregon is a pretty nice place. You should try moving to Boulder, Colorado if you want excitement. Don't come with California plates...

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